Haven't been on in a while. Haven't wrote any poems in a year or so. Haven't been inspired by anything, just living my shitty life.
It's like nobody wants me to get ahead in life.

I really don't know how I feel anymore.

My engagement never came true, maybe when I'm done with college. I'm still with him, going on 3 years. It's so rocky and sometimes the arguments are enough to say goodbye. It just sickens me because he's the only one I trust in the world, and the only one that has stuck by me through all my shit. He's been there and he hasn't left me. But is it worth all that effort when he hurts me sometimes (twice so far), and puts me down and makes me feel less than zero?

I don't know, I just know that when everything is going good with him, it's the best feeling in the world. Maybe we are meant to be together, or we're both stuck in a routine. I like the first one better.

But anyway, even though we're rocky and shit, I still have been hanging out with people. I haven't 'hung out' with anyone in a long long time. Luyen and Kevin are the main ones, but Josh has my number now, so who knows what will happen with that? It's not that I'm looking for someone when I have somebody, it's just I like to have friends and I dumped all mine when I got with my boyfriend. And now some of them are coming back (not my fault they're mostly exes), and I do wanna hang out with them and chill and catch up, and be friends. I mean, it gets lonely even with a boyfriend I barely see.

Now on to other news, I was pregnant earlier this year, I had a miscarriage on Easter sunday. I'm really not ready for a baby, it was more like a wakeup call, because I had been really heavily into cocaine, methadone, and painkillers. And I've stopped cold turkey. My only vices now are alcohol and weed, I definitely like to drink to excess everytime. I don't know, it's just nice being drunk and not remembering shit.

I start college next week, I don't really know how I feel about it because it's kind of surreal in the first place. I know it's something I need to do if I want to live outside of parents' houses, but it's just school and I hated school. It's cliques, and I hated that conformity. I'm not down with going to school again with high school mentalitied kids, when I've been out and drama free for going on 3 years. I don't want no fucking drama, and I don't want any bullshit. HCC was always laid back and easy going though so we'll see. I have to stick it out this time although I'm already flip flopping and getting nervous and scared just thinking about it.

Oh well, that's been my life for the last year. I guess this is growing up.